Couples Game Night

This post comes inspired from a Facebook discussion. The question posed was "Ladies, why must you play Mind games? What is the Point?"

Obviously a woman like myself could not read that and not give my two cents.

I proceeded to say that we only play games because guys play games. The best part being when guys play games and won't even admit it.  I meant this. Now this is not going to become a man bashing post but rather I would like to get real here. ( insert Dave Chapelle  joke about when keepin' it real goes wrong)

We as women play games to keep men interested. You are creatures that need constant stimulation in order to keep you entertained. So therefore we cannot make ourselves too readily available for you because you will get bored. We have to take the toy away from you in order to make you see how much you want it. ( see previous post "Titles... and I'm not referring to cars" for toy reference) We also do this in order not to get too wrapped up in you. ( because you obviously are that fantastic that we have to take precaution not to become stage 5 clingers from the jump)  This is all essential to do in the beginning of the relationship so that you can establish your worth as a woman.  Call these games if you wish.... I call them tactics.

I call them tactics because after several scientific investigations ( i.e. dating in Miami) I have found them to work... like an effing charm. Most of my friends (Women and Gay men alike)  that have also had a 100% success rate with these tactics. Now guys take this the wrong way, as if we only do this to "play games." You should be flattered that I would go to such lengths to want to keep you interested. It means I really like you. When I don't do this then you should worry. See I don't do this with every Tom, Dick, and Harry that crosses my path. Most of the time I don't care enough to try that much. I only do this with men that I want to keep around. It's a way to weed out the men from the boys and see if a man really has feelings for you or if he is just feeding you what you want to hear.

This also doesn't mean that I want to have to do this very long. There is an short amount of time that should be dedicated to this exchange. If you feel you have to continue to do this for months in order to keep his interest then more than likely that is not the man for you. This should only be done to establish your worth in the beginning but once you do that you shouldn't have to again. If you feel like you do, more times than not, He's Just Not That Into You.

Eventually, if the relationship is to work, the games stop and the feelings become real for both parties involved. It needs to be about the passion and connection you have for each other. If you don't have that then you don't have anything and its better just to move on.

So what's the point of mind games, you ask. To show you that we care in a twisted, confusing way only the beautiful female mind can come up with.

-E.C.

A Kiss....

"A Kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature when words become superfluous" - Ingrid Bergman

Kissing.

To me, one of the most intimate interactions you can have with another person. It can either increase chemistry with someone or completely kill it. Good kisses are like presents from the Universe. They can be sweet, passionate, intense, awkward, nervous, some mixture of those emotions, or completely and utterly perfect. Kissing can elevate your status in my book. That being said, bad kisses are an instant deal breaker for me. There is no coming back from that. It will throw you straight into the pit of men I am no longer interested in. ( I know I'm completely awful for saying that but again honesty here is my policy)

We have all had that perfect kiss. It may not have been with the perfect person but it can have the perfect combination of ingredients to make it just right. Both soft and sweet with dashes of intensity and passion. The perfect kiss is not just about the mouths and lips. It is also about hands caressing your hair, and the back of your neck at just the right time that can elevate an otherwise good kiss into a perfect kiss.

 There is also the eye contact. Now you may be saying "Eye contact? When kissing?" I don't mean those weird people that keep their eyes open during kissing ( Yes, I think its weird to do that!!! Have you ever opened your eyes after a kiss to see someone giving you the death stare... eww! This is not good kissing etiquette! Way to ruin the moment! More times than not most guys that do that are not that great at kissing anyway.) What I am referring to is that look that you give each other right as your lips stop touching. Your faces are no more than three inches from each other when you open your eyes and look up. This is where you exchange glances of longing, of tenderness, uncertainty or simply happiness. That look is usually what determines if you are going to continue to kiss or if you aren't.

Bad kisses are the worst. The absolute worst. Ugh! The really sloppy ones are terrible! You end up with all this saliva everywhere but where its supposed to be. That is just plain disgusting. Then there are the ones that use too much tongue. You feel like you are being attacked by an eel. They just wanna do circus tricks with it. Its kissing not Cirque Du Soleil! I usually stop, close my mouth and try and pretend like that kiss never happened. Sometimes when I am feeling generous I try and give them another chance. Hey maybe they were nervous. I have been known to be disarming on occasion. Usually though, the outcome is the same. So I must end my romantic involvement with that guy. I know its cruel but, I CANNOT be with someone that I can't enjoy kissing. Kissing is the precursor to other things and if the kissing is not good more likely than not the other stuff is not good either (Ladies you know what I mean!!)

Now with all that being said. I rarely kiss on the first date. It has to be one spectacular date for me to smooch you the first time we are going out. I will happily give you a peck on the cheek and a hug but no lip to lip contact. The rare occasions that I have done that have been due to incredible first date chemistry. The kind that doesn't come by very often and usually knocks you off your feet. (see previous post if you need clarification as to what I mean...) When that happens the kiss is usually equally as explosive as the chemistry. Those are the guys that I usually date for an extended period of time. Chemistry and passion being the building blocks of those relationships. Those relationships have been the ones that have made me grow, learn, and have left me a changed woman.

Kissing is an indicator of things to come. It is an act of intimacy. It is a form of touch. A way to express feelings you cannot verbalize. Since it is my belief that actions speak louder than words, this action is sometimes the only way to say exactly what you don't know how.

When you find that person you enjoy kissing do it often. A good kiss between lovers only brings you closer. When couples have been together for a long time, they sometimes forget to kiss. The ins and outs of everyday life get in the way and pretty soon they feel disconnected. They forget the power of a kiss. How it can build anticipation and remind you of the initial connection you had with that person. So kiss and kiss often but always do it well. If not practice till you get it just right!

- E.C.

No regrets

Have you ever met someone and had an instant connection? It has happened to me only a few times. Its happened to me on first dates, its also happened with friends that eventually grow into great friends. It can even be as simple as just feeling like its not the first time you have met them. With men I can count on one hand the times it has happened. There is one in particular that was extraordinary. The kind of connection that is explosive, passionate and so deep and rare that you begin to ponder about past lives and other spiritual things. It is like that person takes your heart and soul and shakes it to the core.

It all began innocently enough, one of my best girlfriends had been talking about this guy she knows. Raving about what an amazing, great guy he is. How he deserves a great woman. A woman just like me. Initially I thought that if he's so great then why doesn't he have a girlfriend.  That's when she says what I was waiting for "I know if you guys met you would hit it off". Inside I was rolling my eyes as super sarcastic thoughts began to fill my mind. Awkward first date, no conversation, lots of alcohol to ease the pain and eventually the phone call to my friend to ask her how she possibly could have thought that he would be good for me. But again this was my friend, my dear friend who wouldn't steer me wrong. So I agreed to meet him. Thats when she told me "Oh, but he lives in a different state." I look at her and say " Well that was a pointless conversation." She says but he will be in town soon. I say "Ok, we will see if we can make it happen when he is in town."

Months pass, more Months pass, Years pass and suddenly I remember our conversation one day that we are having lunch. I ask "Hey whatever happened to your guy friend that you wanted to hook me up with?" She says " Oh yeah he has a girlfriend." I say "Well good for him!" That was the end of that.

More months pass and I am with my friend and we are planning her big birthday party that is coming up. In between choosing color schemes and seating arrangements she randomly says to me "Hey my guy friend that I told you about is going to come to my party. " Now at this point in time I have been dating someone for a few months and am pretty happy. Things are going surprisingly well and I was going to bring him as my date to her party. So my response is " Thats good, i'll finally be able to put a face to this mysterious guy." That was it. Then we moved on to lipstick options that would match her dress for the party.

The day of the party comes and we are all having a good time. My friend has an amazing set of friends and family and everyone loves to party and take shots. So we were all having a ball. She was busy entertaining so I wasn't able to ask her who was Mystery Man. But I did notice that there was this one particular guy that kept looking at me. He fit the description, but I wasn't sure. Anyway I was there with a date and I shouldn't be worried about that. That being said, I couldn't help but wonder.

A few days after the party I asked her if that was Mystery Man and she said that it was. Again I couldn't help but wonder. He was a handsome guy but no Brad Pitt so it wasn't his looks. But there was something about him that I couldn't shake.  I should have ran away at this point and never looked back but, I have never been a logical person when it comes to matters of the heart. You see when someone you haven't even had a real conversation with strikes that sort of impression its like the universe is telling you: STAY AWAY! Kind of like those brightly colored venomous snakes in the jungle.

Another few months go by and in this time I have broken up with the guy I was dating. My friend calls me and tells me that Mystery Man is going to be in town. She is going to have dinner with a group of friends ( including him) and that I should come join them. Initially I don't really want to go but she convinces me. I decide that if I am finally meeting Mystery Man officially then, I might as well put a little effort into it. So I picked out an outfit, made sure my big ass hair was fabulous, and of course had my man magnet shoes on.

I walk into the restaurant and I see him sitting with all the others at the table and conveniently the seat available was the one next to him. I won't bore you with the details but to say that we hit it off was putting it mildly. By the time the appetizer was taken from the table we were finishing each other's sentences. Someone at the table that didn't know either of us even asked if we were dating. We both looked at each other smiled and I said " We haven't decided." This banter continued through dinner and we even shared our entrees with each other. It was strangely familiar and felt comfortable.

After dinner we decided to go to a nearby bar and get some drinks and do a little dancing. When we first got to the bar he was being a bit cold and not saying much to me. Its as if once we left the restaurant we were back to reality and he took a step back to evaluate the situation. I was confused, but at the same time I knew I looked great so i figured if he didn't like me there were about 25 men in there that had their eyes on me since I walked in so I had options.

About an hour passed and he went to get a round of drinks. When he came back I left to powder my nose in the ladies room. When I got back I found out that he spilled my drink. So I told him to get his ass back to the bar and get me another one. ( I can be really bossy sometimes. Its a product of my childhood) When he got back with my fresh drink in hand he seemed more comfortable and started talking to me and then eventually we were dancing. That was how it continued the rest of the night, slowly getting more and more intimate as the liquor flowed and the hours passed.

After 3 bars, who knows how many drinks, and about 5 hours we finally decided to leave. He walked me to my car, and he had that "I really want to kiss you" look in his eyes so I  quickly gave him a hug and said goodnight. I don't kiss on the first date. ( well hardly ever)

The part that I have not mentioned is that he has a girlfriend. The same girlfriend that my friend told me about from months past. There is a part of me that is in denial. There is also a part of me that thinks that this is it. One fun night. Nothing really bad happened. No kissing or fluid exchange of any kind so I guess I shouldn't feel badly. It was all innocent enough. Little did I know what was about to happen.

The next day I get a text from my friend asking if its ok if she gives Mystery Man my phone number. I write back " Well it depends, did he ask for it or are you offering the information for free?" Her response is " He asked." So I said " In that case go ahead." About 15 minutes later I get a funny/witty text from Mystery Man which sets off an entire day of texting witty banter back and forth. He says he wants to meet up later and hang out. I was tired I had only a few hours of sleep and had worked a whole shift but I was curious and I wanted to see him again. So I agreed.

We met up that evening, and it was strangely comfortable. I felt like I was talking to an old friend. We spoke about work, life, dreams and aspirations. So this man that I didn't know was not only funny, and kept up with me and my banter but was also intelligent. This is another point where I should have listened to my logical side and ran the other way but I didn't. I stayed and we talked some more. Hours passed like minutes and eventually the restaurant was closing. Not to mention that my parking spot was metered and it was about to run out. But I didn't want to leave. I wanted to spend more time with this man that had intrigued me in a way that very few men had. So I said to him " My meter is about to run out and this place is closing. So if you want to hang out longer I have to go put money in the meter and we have to find another place to go." He said " Well lets go do that." Inside I was jumping up and down like a school girl. But I kept it together on the outside no need for him to know my excitement. We paid for our drinks and then he very naturally grabbed my hand and we went to my car paid the meter and then walked to a nearby bar that was still open. By the way it is 2 a.m. at this point. I had to work the next day but I didn't care.

We sit at the bar and order a round of drinks. More conversation ensues. Now it is getting more intimate. The topics included things like what we want in a partner and how many kids we want when we get married and the fact that I want plastic surgery to put my body back in order after I have babies. somewhere between the plastic surgery and the baby conversation he did what I had been wanting him to do all night. He kissed me. It was soft, it was slow and it was passionate. At that point we had probably been there for about an hour. We were both a bit tipsy. Or really tipsy. The rest of that night was a bit of a blur, but I know that there was more kissing and laughing and intimate conversation. At 4 a.m. we decide to go. He walks me to my car and we kiss again until interrupted by the drunks in the car next to mine. He tells me he wants to see me the next day. I agree.

The next day we had made plans with our mutual friend to go to this club. He picks me up and we go together. We met up with other friends there. Friends that know him, and know his girlfriend and have hung out with them. So I keep my distance and so does he. That lasted all of about 30 minutes. Ok maybe 45.  After about shot number three it was all out the window. We had a great night. Again. Danced and drank until the wee hours of the morning. He drives me home and things get hot and heavy in the car for about an hour and a half. He really wants to come up to my apartment.  I want him to as well. But I couldn't get past the girlfriend situation. So eventually I went upstairs and sent him on his way home. Before I left he told me he wanted to see me before he left the next day. I agreed and told him to call me when he woke up. At this point it was 7 in the morning.

A few hours later he called me told me he was packing and would be at my apt in about an hour and a half. We decided to go have brunch. I felt like my boyfriend was picking me up. It felt so natural and normal. He picked me up and we went to eat. On the way there we started talking. We spoke of the comfort level we had with each other and how crazy this weekend had been. Then he said to me that I scared him. I asked why?  He responded with " You can read me, and you disarm me. I don't like that. Not very many people can do that to me. Somehow you have and in such a short period of time." I didn't know what to say. I liked the idea that I could do that. Its part of what made me feel so connected to him.    But apparently he didn't. So I had to ponder that before I decided how I felt about it.

We arrived at brunch and then started to talk about when we were going to see each other again. He went through his schedule and told me he wasn't sure. That obviously did not sit well with me. Then I thought this was hours before he was going to leave and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. We finished brunch, and then walked around arm in arm checking out some local little shops in the neighborhood. Like a couple. It felt natural and comfortable. Not the way in normally does when you have only known someone for 3 days. After a few hours we had to leave because he had a plane to catch. So we drove back to my apt we said goodbye, kissed and he was on his way.

I thought that would be the end of it. I would have a three day affair to remember. Something very special that was mine. I have never had that intense of a connection with someone so quickly and it was difficult to keep myself grounded. To keep myself from floating in the clouds. To stop myself from dreaming of what could be. To keep myself from imagining a future with a man that was taken. That was something I knew the entire time I was doing this with him. Normally that stops me before anything can start. I am not that kind of girl. I believe in karma and I don't like the idea of be "the other woman." There was something there that I could not ignore and that I knew I would always wonder "what if?" If I didn't. So there I was alone again, mind racing, heart falling and yet had nothing tangible to really hold on to. This is not the type of situation I like to get myself in. I like to be in control of my emotions, feelings and actions. But there was something about this man that disarmed me.  Disarmed me to the point where I no longer was in control of any of that. Now I was in a place where I didn't know what to do?

To be Continued......

Titles... and I'm not referring to cars.

There have been several times in my 27 years that I have struggled with wanting a man to give me a title. Yes, ladies we have all done it at one point or another where you have been "dating exclusively" for a period that can range anywhere from several weeks to several months (each relationship being different) and you are sitting there wondering when he is going to give you that illusive title of Girlfriend.

Why is it that we need that? Is it insecurity?

I myself have found that sometimes I don't want it. I want to continue to just date. This usually happens when I am not that interested in a man and merely just have him there for entertainment or to pass the time until a better subject comes along. ( I know its not nice but it's honest)

So when I have found myself on the other side of that where I have given a man everything he could possibly want ( i.e. fulfilling all his needs... no need to go into detail but you all know what I mean) and have given him my time and undivided attention and he still won't give me that title then I wonder if he feels the way that I do when I don't want that title. Needless to say insecurity sets in and I start to question myself. Granted those that know me also know that I am not insecure by any means but, this kind of situation will make a woman question even her own high regard of herself. Some how I always arrive at the same answer.... you never know what you have until its gone.

Inevitably I set out to test my subject...
Men I have learned ( gentlemen please don't be insulted) are like children when it comes to most things. So like a child when a man has a toy (i.e insert your sexy self here ladies) and he has been playing with the toy for several months eventually the toy loses its luster. It is no longer shiny and new. It may still be his favorite toy but he isn't as interested in playing with it like he was before. Now he'd rather play Xbox Live with his friends because he knows his toy isn't going anywhere. So out of the blue one day when he wants to play with his toy and he realizes that it is nowhere to be found he panics. Now he realizes what an idiot he has been to just leave his favorite toy lying around the house. So when after days and sometimes weeks ( if the situation is dire) he finally finds his toy and gets it back he treats it with the greatest of care. He doesn't want to lose the toy again.

This is the good outcome. Not always what actually happens but at least it weeds out the rotten apples.

When I decide to make myself scarce and then he comes looking for me and asks me "What's wrong?" I throw the bomb out. I let him know that I don't want to continue the way that things are and that I think that its best if we see other people. "But why do you feel like this?" he asks, I respond with "Because I think that we want different things and I don't want to get myself involved with someone that just wants to play around".

Now this has played out both ways for me...

A skilled and well trained man in the matters of female psycology once responded to me this way " I am not ready for a relationship, I think you are an amazing woman and I don't want to lose what we have". I almost fell for it. ( I mean, he said it in a really sweet voice and had that really wounded puppy look in his eyes) But I closed my eyes and regained my composure and responded " I think you are amazing too, and thats why I can't continue to get wrapped up in someone that doesn't want the same things I do".  He didn't know what to say. I had backed him into the imaginary rock and a hard place. At that point I no longer was interested in a relationship with him. In my mind I am of the belief that a real man can make a decision. His desire to remain in limbo and grey area only ceased to make him less attractive to me. So obviously that didn't work the way I expected it to but I had an answer and I had made my decision.

So I guess the lesson is that no matter what the answer to that question is, no matter wether the man in your life decides to give you a title or not, you have to make the decision. Everyone has choices and all choices have consequences. So ladies if he is making the choice to keep you as merely an option and not his lady, and by lady I mean, the one he takes to the work holiday party, that he is eager to introduce to his friends and his family, the one that he makes feel like the only girl in the world. (Thank you Rihanna) Then you also have a choice which is to give yourself more importance and say no, thank you to his choice and choose your own. No need to wait for him. Choose you first always.

E.C.

First Time....

Well this is a beginning. The intention of this blog is to document, ridicule and share my adventures in Dating. Living in Miami gives me the perfect backdrop to do this. Living in such a cosmopolitan city only means that I have a bigger pool of men to choose from. That doesn't mean that it is a better pool of men... just a bigger one.
I like to think that I have men down to a science. They are simple creatures and they have two brains. You have to entertain one while still keeping the other one interested. That is obviously easier said than done. As simple creatures as they are they we as women like to make them more complicated. When we give them a taste of their own medicine they don't know what to. Thats sometimes thats the only way to get them to understand what you are saying. Ok enough on that subject we must save something for later. Im sure I will have plenty to say.
Now you are probably wondering if I have that one man that is like superman's kryptonite.  Yes of course I have my Mr. Big. We all do. But at this stage in my life I think that my Big is something of the past that I learned a lot from. Just to keep things clear, for all future purposes we are going to call him Ham. Further explanations of why I chose this name will be included in future blog posts.

Hopefully this will make you laugh and make you want to keep reading. Please feel free to comment or ask any questions. I am excited at this new adventure I hope to entertain you and keep you interested... kind of what I try to do with men.... when I actually like them.